If someone sends you a gift out of the goodness of their heart, would you thank the person or would you pocket it and do nothing?
Can I get a raise of hands, please?
Last week, I wrote a blog post out of the goodness of my heart, linking to 10 people’s Twitter usernames and their blog posts–specific people whose words inspired me the prior week. If you click that link and scroll through the comments, would you be surprised that only four people thanked me?
To Seth Simonds, Kim Woodbridge, Danny Brown, and Wayne John: Thank you for taking 60 seconds out of your life and adding a comment to thank me.
Moreover, thank you for adding a comment here–not via Twitter or on other social media–so future stumblers across the blog post can see your gratitude and contributions.
To everyone else: Shame on you. Maybe your hands didn’t raise above.
To be fair, one or two of you did thank me in the form of a Twitter reply or retweet. But, come on. If I called you and left you a voice message on your answering machine, would you respond with a handwritten note? Of course not; you’d call me back. Same thing here. I link to you; netiquette indicates you should add a blog comment. No?
Or is the issue that Seth, Kim, Danny, and Wayne are tracking their names online and instantly know when someone mentions them or links to them? Help me understand. Why do four people respect the manner of saying thank you when six don’t?
Photo credit: westpark
UPDATE: Please read my follow-up where I explain that pobody is nerfect.
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Ari Herzog is an online media strategist and Newburyport City Councilor-Elect.
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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Jiminy crickets, Ari — are you serious?
Usually when people do something out of the goodness of their hearts . . . it implies that they don’t then keep score about it.
I encourage you to reexamine your approach on this before you continue in this mode of passing judgment — or, at least, of passing judgment publicly.
New from Tim Walker: We need better phrasing than “tech IPOs.”
Thanks for the comment, Tim. I’m not passing judgment, though, but writing about history.
As to your comment about keeping score, think about it this way: If none of the 10 thanked me in a blog comment, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But if some do and some don’t, I question things.
Ari, saying “Shame on you” IS passing judgment on your part. It is. It’s not an historical description of the past, but your own value judgment on what past events mean. So please don’t believe that you’re not passing judgment.
Of course, this is your blog, and clearly you’re free to say what you like here or elsewhere — but I would ask you to consider how passing judgment like this may reflect poorly on yourself. The best advice I’ve ever gotten about building a personal network says to give freely without keeping score or expecting recompense. Here, based on the kindly expressions of thanks of a few, you’ve openly pronounced the score, the frustrated expectation of recompense, on the six who didn’t respond — or, to be more accurate, on the six who didn’t respond *by your favored means*.
“I question things” is a fair statement. I do the same thing all the time. But you’ve also handed down a verdict that may not be sound. What if one of the six is traveling? What if another one has been sick, or had a sick child? What if the technology betrayed one of them, so that he never saw the linkback — or is only just now seeing it? What if this is the week one of these guys went bankrupt, or had divorce papers served, or had to answer pointed questions from the IRS, or had to put a parent in the nursing home?
My point should be obvious: there are many sound explanations — ranging from disaster to routine mishap to a simple oversight — that wouldn’t imply that the recipients of your kindness were ungrateful. I encourage you to think about those alternate explanations, and to refrain from making assumptions about the gratitude, or passing verdicts on the character, of those who disappointed you.
New from Tim Walker: We need better phrasing than “tech IPOs.”
Yes, agreed, Tim on all accounts except one: I specifically thanked people whose blogs I’d read over the prior week. I specifically thanked people who inspired me. And since you’re not keeping score, all of those people have added blog posts since so the point about divorce papers, etc, while sound, is not applicable here.
If I wrote a blog post about “How to do this” or “How to do that” and linked to blog posts for support or reference, I don’t expect a response of gratitude. But when I link to people who inspire me and I don’t get a response after seven days–knowing full well those people have written blog posts, have twittered, etc.–I know they are there. So their lack of response is shameful. I’m open to synonyms.
You don’t agree?
No, Ari, I don’t agree that it’s shameful. I try to give people more credit for complexity and human frailty than that.
You said above that you thanked these people for inspiring you “out of the goodness of my heart.” Last week’s post was an act of generosity on your part — and full marks to you for writing it. But then, in this post, that generosity seems to have curdled into a sense of entitlement.
You’ve set yourself up as the arbiter for how people are supposed to respond to your act of generosity. So you gave something freely . . . but with an expectation for how others must respond? That’s what doesn’t compute for me.
Your recipients aren’t obligated to respond as you see fit, or on a timetable you approve, or via the channel you prefer. (By the way, your voicemail analogy doesn’t hold: if I get your voicemail at 11 p.m. on a busy day, I’m not going to call you back right then, but I might e-mail you right then so that you’ll have my reply at your earliest convenience. Just because you open a chain of communication in one medium doesn’t obligate your recipient to continue the chain in that medium.)
Obviously it’s a nice thing when a person makes a public display of gratitude for a gift freely given. And I agree with you that it’s *better* than not responding. But that doesn’t mean that non-response is “shameful.” You’re jumping to the pejorative end of the spectrum, for reasons that aren’t clear to me, and you’re publicizing that pejorative judgment.
In sum, I don’t think you need a synonym for “shameful.” I think you need to climb down from the podium and acknowledge that the non-responders missed an opportunity, or flubbed an easy chance to express gratitude, or disappointed your expectations, or whatever — but I would hope that you could do so without passing such a harsh character judgment on them.
New from Tim Walker: We need better phrasing than “tech IPOs.”
I agree saying thanks is only right, though I disagree you must keep the medium the same to be most effective. I’d say you if you can be even MORE personal or wonderful in your thank you, then go ahead and change the medium.
To your point, if you wrote a blog post about me, and I took the time to handwrite a thank you note or sent you something off your Amazon wish list, would you be more or less happy than if I just dropped by the article and left a comment that said “Thanks Ari. You rock too!”
Of course, I’d recommend folks do BOTH, to publicly say thanks…and to privately thank you, because after all, saying thank you is all about the recipient, not the giver.
Without knowing or understanding the specifics (and I can see from your comments above that there are some beyond your original post), I totally disagree. When I link to someone, I don’t expect anything in return, and I would never feel the need to shame them for not thanking me for it.
But then again, I don’t EVER return phone calls, so what do I know?
Ari,
I have to agree with Tim here. I think you’ve lost the bubble and have crossed over into the land of Tit-for-Tat.
You are owed a thank you, as form of payment, only for those things that you’ve done for others that were requested by them. If you choose to do something for someone without being asked, they owe you nothing in payment. They may choose to pay you, but they do not owe you. Keep this transaction concept in mind to help you clarify who is owed.
You never have control over the actions of others. Not your professional peers, your friends and acquaintances, nor your loved ones. But you have total control over your actions and responses to them.
Don’t let their actions dictate yours. Do what you’ve been doing all along and expect nothing in return. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you do get anything in response.
Now, I’d like to thank you for your blogs, your thinking and your tweets. Keep up the good work, and I’ll be reading you for a long time to come.
Thanks,
Chris
I’d have to go with Tim, Chris and Jillian on this one, Ari.
While it’s always nice to receive a thanks or nod, it’s not a given. If you’re doing something for no other reason than acknowledging your appreciation of someone or something, then while a thanks is nice, it’s not required.
With regards your question about notification, obviously there is the backlink alert through WordPress admin. But yes, I do track my mentions since I know nothing’s 100% positive all of the time and it’s important to keep up with what’s being said.
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I don’t really know the details of what this is about, but this post seems entitled. Did you write that other post (which I didn’t read btw) just to get a thank you from people? And not just a thank you – but – excuse me – a thank you in the correct medium as decided by you?
I’ve actually read some of your other writing around the web and liked it because it was useful, entertaining, and though-provoking. But every time I come to this blog I come away with a very different impression. After this post and all your posts about unfollowing people on Twitter, I’m lost as to who you really are.
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You are so cantankerous sometimes. =)
The people you listed in your previous post represent quite a cross section of bloggers. In their defense, Amber has been at conferences, Stuart just started a new job (he typically comments on the entire world) and I’ve always been impressed by the amount of time Fred puts into the discussion that happens on his posts. I don’t think Andy spends a lot of time on his blog so it would make sense for him to take some time to get back to you.
I’m not sure it’s entirely fair to call shame upon the heads of those who don’t respond to a link. Do they miss out on an interaction? Yes. But we all do in some way or other.
On sethsimonds.com I have a policy of replying to every comment that says anything beyond “great post.” If something is offered, I take the time to say hello personally and respond to any remarks made. Do I then go to the commenter’s blog and leave a comment? Sometimes. Should I be shamed for not reciprocating every comment on my blog? I’d hope not. If somebody links to me, I check it out. If they link to a post in their comment that pertains to the discussion I usually follow the link and try to add something there. I’m certainly not perfect and I know I miss people all the time. I’m definitely working at it though.
Speaking of reciprocity, can you imagine how hectic things would be if Feedburner said who subscribed to what blogs? The mess of microbloggers on Twitter would quickly carry over into full-size blogs. “Why aren’t you subscribed to my blog? I’ve subscribed to yours for weeks!!!” And the drama continues.
One thing I do like about disqus is that it pulls in social media remarks without listing them as actual comments. A remark on Twitter about a post, as you recognize, isn’t really a comment. More of a pat on the arm than a real kiss, as it were. I like that those remarks are noted, but kept separate from the actual conversation.
I keep track of my “personal brand” (cough, cough, bletch) pretty well but it’s not Google that usually let’s me know when I’m in a discussion. I know a LOT of people who read widely and they’re usually a few hours ahead of Google Alerts in letting me know my name has popped up. Pretty cool, actually.
The more I focus on the parts of people that really inspire me, the less time I have to reflect on the bits that I find distasteful. Would it be nice if everybody leaped at the opportunity to expand the reach of their community? Sure. But we don’t. For whatever reason, we all stumble in spite of our good intentions and knock a few glasses over on the way down. It takes an awful lot of grace to reach down and help up the person who just spilled red wine all over your creme linen suit. That’s what I’m trying for. More grace.
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There’s nothing I can add that hasn’t been said above–other than you are right. I am wrong and you are right.
When I wrote the above, I had a notion in my head. The notion dealt with me, not you.
Sorry.
Now I’m kinda mad at some of the other commenters. Y’all stuffed rags in the mouth of a conversation I think we’d do well to have.
You guys are telling me that you’ve never mentioned somebody in a post, pimped their product, or promoted their work and been disappointed when they didn’t take time to thank you for your support? Not ever? Not even when you were starting out?
Nobody gets up in the morning and says “::yaaawn:: I can’t wait to spend another day giving of myself without ever, ever hoping for somebody to give back in return!” Nobody. If Mother Theresa were around and had a Twitter account, she’d be blocking people left and right for not replying or following her back. It’s the nature of the beast.
Ari, I don’t think you were wrong. Did you take a very hard line and call some people out? Yes. Did you say something in public that most of us regularly think in private? Oh yeah. Not about those specific people, perhaps. But every blogger has a few names they’re irked with.
We need more conversations like this. Perhaps with fewer names. I’m not a big fan of using names.
If anybody wants more Twitter followers or traffic, I’ve heard Hummingbird will get you thousands of unresponsive followers and Digg users tend not to comment much. =)
My point? Thank you for reminding me of the importance of saying thank you to people who make an effort to interact with me. Phil makes an inspiring point. It’s definitely best to express thankfulness often and with a full heart.
New from Seth Simonds: How Do You Deal With Trolls? Trent Reznor (NIN) Walks Away From Social Media
This entire situation leaves me to ponder something else. It may seem unrelated to a blog post and people saying thanks. But reading the comment section I started to reflect upon myself and my relationship with God:
How a sense of entitlement can hinder our relationship with Him.
Many years ago I began to do God’s work- evangelize and disciple and many people came to the Lord. I abdicated a LOT to do this work and did it out of love for God. I didn’t expect anything back from Him but that: at least that nothing really bad would happen to me. I really believed that I would at least be protected from really bad stuff happening.
Then – all kinds of really bad things started to happen to me- I lost 8 close loved ones in 6 months, was robbed a huge amount of money, had 3 tumors in my uterus which made me incapable of doing many things that I used to because of the meds ( I’ve taken them out already- but the meds still give me side effects), was persecuted by family members for being a Christian, and the list could go on. I went through all of this while taking care of 3 boys and making a move all by myself, and caring for 2 of my loved ones who died.
I didn’t want a reward for any of the things I have done but I didn’t expect to go through so much suffering while helping people.
What I’ve learned from all of this is to just freely give to others in this fallen world and not expect anything back. I try to put my eyes on the eternal now and not on the circumstances of this world.
I try to not look at the storm but to visualize the SUN coming out. To visualize heaven.
I think that doing this has given me an internal strength to withstand all kinds of lack of gratitude and sufferings that I have experienced. I just trust that God knows what He is doing even though the circumstances may seem stormy.
I try to not look at the storm like Peter did but to just look to God.
Blessings,
Eren Mckay
I have to admit, I don’t have anything that tracks my name out in Google land. One thing I have noticed is that it is hard to find out if someone links to my blog. I have been using different ways of tracking that (Google Alerts for Kikolani, the WordPress dashboard for incoming links, referrer links through Google Analytics, etc.) and there are still some I miss. I have gotten to the point with my full time job and freelance work that I only get to my comments and return visits to favorite blogs about once a week, so I notice things quite late in the game. I am highly appreciative of anyone who mentions me though, and do my best to get around to thanking them.
~ Kristi
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Google Alerts especially hasn’t that great of a help. I specifically know of three mentions on other blogs, linking to Kikolani, in the past few days that never showed up in my alerts. But who knows, maybe I set it up wrong. I’ll have to go back in and see if I can start new ones.
~ Kristi
New from Kikolani: Fetching Friday – Resources, #FollowFriday, Guest Post Opportunities, & New Moon Trailer
Or maybe Google hadn’t indexed those pages yet.
It seems like, once Google did index them, they would send me an alert. There are many mentions that never come through my Google Alerts, and I have it set to search blogs and the web.
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I think this is totally wrong way of thinking. I have had the same problem similar with a reader tweeting my blog posts and then getting angry that I didn’t tweet his blog posts as a thank you.
If you do something like linking to someone, do it because you like their blog and do it as a service to your readers / followers. Don’t do it because you want something from them, like for them to visit your blog and say thank you.
I try to thank people that tweet my message and link to my blog, but it is very hard to follow with all that.
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Wow!
The tempests created in social media
It’s embarrassing
A turn off to the newbies
Move along
We only have today…
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I think Ari’s original question – why some people do something and others do not – is a valid one but that his approach with specific names was not. I believe that he didn’t expect comments or thanks but when some people did and some didn’t Ari started questioning that. It may come down to an issue of being busy or is an issue of personality and behavior differences.
I know that when I get quick questions for help some people thank me over and over, some quickly say thanks and others I never hear from again. There could be any number of reasons for this – time, personality, etc. Do I really care? No, not too much. Am I likely to help a person who didn’t thank me again? Probably. But not as fast as I would for someone who did.
Now I wasn’t one of the interesting ones
fair enough. But I’m curious about the tracking side of things. I’ve figured out ways to track mentions when it comes up in comments (backtype – reasonably good) and in twitter (tweetdeck – middling but misses tiny urls) and when a blog links directly to a specific post it shows up as well. But at this point I haven’t figured out posts that link to my home page. Seems those just get lost in the netherworld…. Is there a tool you use to get a more universal look?
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I use Google Alerts for monitoring.
Hi Fred,
Social Mention is a good one – http://socialmention.com – as is Woopra – http://woopra.com.
Both free and both excellent for monitoring all things good and bad about your audience’s view of you.
New from Danny Brown: From Twitter to Blog – #FollowFriday Vol. 3
I just signed up for SocialMention. Maybe it’s a configuration issue, but I am getting alerts for everything I Stumble, which is a pretty hefty list!
New from Kikolani: Elements, Benefits & Tips for a Successful Weekly Blog Series
I’m just starting to get through my RSS feed, but I did see the link back and commentary. Thanks for including me. I definitely should have showed up and thanked you on your blog. My bad.
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Nobody is bad.
Actually, it’s just the opposite:
“No one is good except God alone.” – Luke 18:19
“..all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – Romans 3:23
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Hi Ari,
No need to hold grudges. I’ve quoted and linked to a post of yours some weeks ago but don’t recall you leaving a comment back on our blog. And eh, it doesn’t matter as you shouldn’t expect anything back when “giving” – that’s the beauty of it.
Thanks,
Francis
Could you imagine sites like Lifehacker or TechCrunch saying thank you to everyone that links to them? Yikes!
I agree, it is nice when someone says thank you. Such an easy and simple thing to do. But I don’t think there is an obligation to do it and I don’t think it’s bad if they don’t. I only think it’s great if they do
When you link to another website, it should be about giving your visitors something of value. When I read that post last week, it was the first time I commented on your blog after reading it for a few months. It was because I really enjoyed discovering those new sites and appreciated you taking the time to link to them and mention them. That’s what it should be about, not linkbait.
I say this because I’m not sure I would have said thank you. If the moons aligned correctly, I saw your post, realized it linked to me, had time, then yes I would say thank you. But my experience is, we only have one moon so the moons never align…
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Wow, you really stirred things up didn’t you Ari! Well done!
Frankly, I don’t give a rats fanny about it. Yeah, sure, he thanked a few and wagged a finger at a few. So what. You do see what it really did though? Brought out the commentators, for good or bad it brought you out and some of you became very passionate about your responses.
I personally use Alerts to know when waynejohn.com is used, but had to drop the waynejohn because all I ever got was John Wayne stuff. I do, however, like to know when my site is referred to.
However I think this time I might have been trolling your blog Ari. You’re a new blogger to me and I took some time to get to know your style a little.
I don’t think Ari was wagging his finger more than he was stirring the pot a little.
All that said, I do agree that people do need to say please and thanks a bit more often in this world. My mother raised me to have respect and to show it when you can. If I get any mention in a post and I happen to see it, you can bet your sweet butt I’ll be leaving a thank you.
I think there is a law of diminishing thank you’s at work here. If I am referenced by someone, the first time I will thank and show my appreciation. Second, third, fourth, yeah…umm…not so much perhaps. But the person sending will know my appreciation.
I just think SOMETHING needs to be done to show a little hat tip to the man. But that’s just how I roll.
I like you Ari!
How about any personal phone calls? I received a personal phone call from @rainmakermaker yesterday. Unfortunately, I was in a meeting but thankfully he left a message. He wanted to personally thank me for the RT and said it made a noticable difference in his blog post traffic. I think that is pretty impressive. Anyone?
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That is so nice of you to help people out like that. It is a shame that the 6 did not thank you…